Going back into work today has been hard. I cannot forgive anyone for not being me, not being in my shoes, not that I can feel my shoes. Every moan or complaint or mere observation from someone about anything at all being slightly off kilter has me raging inside at the injustice and wanting to scream at them. You’re tired?! Your back hurts?! You’ve had a tough day?! Try THIS for size!
How unfair to resent everyone else for not sharing in this. When I walk around and think, really think, about what other people are dealing with, the daily battles people are fighting – one lady whose daughter-in-law is dying of cancer; a colleague whose brain was falling out and is still recovering from an operation a year ago to rectify it; a friend’s diagnosis of Diabetes; a team member’s last week of pregnancy, still in work – it makes me realise that everyone, everyone, is battling with something. And instead of making me sympathetic, this thought made me feel lonely. Because no one else will ever feel this anguish, anger, pain, numbness, tiredness with me, or for me. I am entirely and completely alone, despite being surrounded by people who care and want to shoulder a share of the burden of this but can’t.
And so today I wallow in self-pity and negativity and resentment. Tomorrow, when maybe the darkness has been cursed enough, I will try to light a candle or two. But just for now, just for today, the darkness is shit.